Killing Me
by OhWiseOne
Summary: Although I am a huge B/S shipper, I can understand Buffy’s reluctance to accept Spike in her life. Maybe she has reasons she hasn’t shared with the group. This is how I see it playing out.


Summary:       Although I am a huge B/S shipper, I can understand Buffy's reluctance to accept Spike in her life.  Maybe she has reasons she hasn't shared with the group.  This is how I see it playing out.  Some spoilers for upcoming episodes.             

Disclaimer:    Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy own everything.  But I wouldn't mind leasing Spike from them for a couple of weeks :)

Feedback:     As always, appreciated.

Killing Me 

"I can't love you!  Why won't you accept that?  Being with you is a mistake.  I told you that.  Spike, please, just leave me alone."  Buffy needed him to understand.  She needed to put this all behind her.  It was killing her.

"I can't leave you alone, Slayer.  I love you.  And I know you feel something for me."  Spike grabbed Buffy's arms, forcing her to look at him.  "Look, the whole thing with Anya, it was wrong.  I know that.  I was hurt – you hurt me.  I was trying to hurt you in return.  But I couldn't go through with it.  I didn't sleep with her."  

Buffy tore away from his grasp.  "I know nothing happened.  But damn it, Spike, you hurt Xander.  Both of you hurt him.  I'm not sure he's ever going to forgive Anya.  And it took everything I had to keep him from staking you.  He'll never trust you."  Buffy remembered the crushed look on Xander's face as they watched the monitor carrying the images of Spike and Anya kissing.  Xander was devastated.  He still loved Anya.  He couldn't hurt her, but Spike.  One of these days, he would dust Spike and there was nothing she could do about it.  "You need to leave.  Put the past three years behind you.  It'll be better for everyone."  

"I don't give a bloody damn what the whelp thinks!  I'm sick of you hiding behind your friends.  This is just another excuse.  You don't want to deal with what's been going on between the two of us, so now you're using Xander to drive me away."  Spike stood his ground.  Willow and Xander could both go to hell.  "Well, it's not going to work.  I'm staying."  

Buffy whirled around to look at him.  "This has nothing to do with my friends."  Buffy's anger and longing took control of her brain, forcing the truth to emerge.  "After everything I've been through, do you honestly think I care what they think about me?  Willow's lost in her own power trip, thinking she has things under control when she doesn't.  Xander's fucking up his life because of doubts and paranoia implanted by a demon.  As much as everyone wants to believe it, my life is NOT ruled by my friends."

"Then what is it, luv.  Why are you running from me?"  Spike thought that for the first time he might find out her true reasons for denying what was happening between them.

"I'm not running from you.  I know you love me.  I accept that.  But I can't love you back, even if I wanted to."  Buffy grabbed his arm, desperation in her voice.  "Don't you see?  It will only end in pain.  I can't do it again.  Not like this.  Not with you."  She dropped his arm, taking a few steps away from him.  "Even if we were together, eventually something would happen.  All the pieces are already in place.  I'm the Slayer.  You're a vampire.  One day, I'll be forced to kill you.  I had to do it once.  I killed someone I loved.  Do you know what that did to me?  How hard that was?  I've never been the same since I sent Angel to Hell.  I won't do it again.  I won't let it happen again.  I will NOT kill someone I care about.  Don't force me to do that."  Buffy turned her back on him, wiping the tears from her eyes.  "If you love me, you'll leave.  You'll spare me that pain."

Spike swept through he crypt, destroying everything in his path.  Each word he spoke was punctuated by breaking glass.  "Bloody hell, Slayer.  I!  AM!  NOT!  ANGEL!"  Buffy cringed at his outburst of violence.  "Why can't you get that through your thick head?  I'm not going to lose my soul.  I'm not going to turn into a raving lunatic, hell-bent on destroying you or your mates.  That's not who I am."

Buffy turned back to him, arms crossed in front of her, her tears under control.  "No, you're not Angel.  And right now, you're twice as dangerous as Angelus could ever be.  You have nothing to lose.  Not your soul, not your life.  Every time Angelus was close to killing me, something happened to hold him back.  Not love for me, I'm not that stupid.  But circumstance."  Buffy thought about the months of dealing with Angelus.  The fights.  The deaths.  It would always be a bitter memory.  "But you, you don't know when to quit.  You'd die trying to kill me.  You'd never let up.  Nothing would stop you.  And in the end, it would destroy both of us."

Spike wouldn't admit defeat.  He couldn't.  No matter how much truth he found in her words.  "We've never been able to kill each other before, luv.  Why do you think we could do it now?"

Buffy sank her head into her hands.  Why now?  Why now?  She slowly brushed her hair back from her face.  "Because now, it's personal.  Before it was a game.  A dance.  But next time, it'll be real.  Love/hate.  Two sides of the same coin, right?  If we cross that line, nothing will stop either of us.  We will fight until there's nothing left to fight.  Total destruction.  Mind, body, soul.  I'm not strong enough for that kind of battle.  Neither are you."

Spike shook his head.  No, she wasn't the perceptive one.  It was always him, pushing her to face the truth.  When had the tables turned?  "I won't let that happen.  I could never kill Dru, no matter what she did to me.  I'd never kill you."  

"Drusilla?  You're comparing me to Drusilla?"  Buffy laughed, a tinge of hysteria peaking through.  "Christ, Spike.  You're not Angel.  I'm not Drusilla."  It was SO obvious.  "Of course you couldn't kill her, you feel sorry for her.  You know she's a fruitcake.  You couldn't hurt her anymore than I could've hurt Tara when Glory sucked out her brain."  For a moment, Buffy marveled at her own revelations.  When had she decided that?  "But I'm not helpless.  And I'm not crazy."  Buffy walked back to Spike, standing so close to him they almost touched.  "Tell me I'm wrong.  Tell me that this time, it'll be different.  Tell me you won't hurt me.  Come on, William.  Tell me the truth."  

Spike couldn't meet her eyes.  He couldn't reach out to touch her.  He didn't want to be in the same room with her anymore.  She was right.  Love/hate.  Dark/light.  Sides of the coin.  Total destruction.  Mind, body, soul.  Spike pushed her away.  He had to get away from her.  His heart was breaking.    

Buffy's eyes fell to the floor.  Finally, she'd made him understand.  It was over.  "Pack up your things, get in your car and leave.  Don't ever come back."  Buffy slowly began to walk out of the crypt.  She stopped at the door, turning to look at him one last time.  She had to say it.  Had to close another chapter of her life.  "I love you."  With those last words, she was gone.  

Spike slid down the wall he was leaning on, sobs shaking his body.  He buried his face in is hands.  She loved him and it was killing him.  

--- Finis


End file.
